How can I possibly have a happy birthday
When you are, from my hug, miles away

Till you come back again to me, I’ll wait
With you in my hug, I want to celebrate

I’ll taste what best chef can never make
Your sweet lips will be my birthday cake

I’ll listen to your voice that I miss so long
Your hot words will be my birthday song

I’ll wait for you to be, in my hug, present
You will be my special birthday present..


For Shonda

Well there is so much to talk about I dont even know where to start.. Ive been afk for awhile now had to get get some personal shit takin care of.. but all thats mostly out of the way now... Im back online and gonna try to get back to writing as much as I can in the next few days since I have alot of time on my hands for now...

        I was recently diagnosed with a sleeping disorder known as " sleep paralysis" ..and the episodes are starting to get more frequent...Sleep paralysis, or more properly, sleep paralysis with hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations have been singled out as a particularly likely source of beliefs concerning not only alien abductions, but all manner of beliefs in alternative realities and otherworldly creatures. Sleep paralysis is a condition in which someone, most often lying in a supine position, about to drop off to sleep, or just upon waking from sleep realizes that s/he is unable to move, or speak, or cry out. This may last a few seconds or several moments, occasionally longer. People frequently report feeling a "presence" that is often described as malevolent, threatening, or evil. An intense sense of dread and terror is very common. The presence is likely to be vaguely felt or sensed just out of sight but thought to be watching or monitoring, often with intense interest, sometimes standing by, or sitting on, the bed. On some occasions the presence may attack, strangling and exerting crushing pressure on the chest. People also report auditory, visual, proprioceptive, and tactile hallucinations, as well as floating sensations and out-of-body experiences (Hufford, 1982). These various sensory experiences have been referred to collectively as hypnagogic and hypnopompic experiences (HHEs). People frequently try, unsuccessfully, to cry out. After seconds or minutes one feels suddenly released from the paralysis, but may be left with a lingering anxiety. Extreme effort to move may even produce phantom movements in which there is proprioceptive feedback of movement that conflicts with visual disconfirmation of any movement of the limb. People may also report severe pain in the limbs when trying to move them. Several recent surveys including our own suggest that between 25-30% of the population reports that they have experienced at least a mild form of sleep paralysis at least once and about 20-30% of these have had the experience on several occasions. A few people may have very elaborate experiences almost nightly (or many times in a night) for years. Aside from many of the very disturbing features of the experience itself (described in succeeding sections) the phenomenon is quite benign. It was thought in the past that it was a significant part of the so-called "narcoleptic tetrad", but surveys of non-clinical populations, such as ours, suggest that the prevalence may be as high among the general population as among diagnosed narcoleptics. Just incase you are interested in knowing a more in dept description of sleep paralysis, you can check out THIS LINK! it will fill you in a little better...

                Besides all that...Ive just been chillin out on the block trying to stay with a little money in my pockets and not get caught slippin.. made a few new friends...and those of you who know me... For me to actually call someone a friend they really have to be about thier shit. My Boy "Jocko From Da Blocko" reppin that P-World Life. and his girl Toni..and I was lucky enough for them to ask me to be the "God Father" of thier baby Avante (Turtle)...but besides all that...the rest of this new neighborhood I moved to is the same as the rest...full of tweekers and dopefeigns out trying to con someone out of a dope sack... onto other shit....

        On another note....I moved back with my mother to try to help her get out a situation she is in with trying to keep my nephew out of Child Services.. I really wish my sister would step up and quit being a little punk and take care of her son...but no!!!So the burden has been left on me and my mother...and I feel sorry for my mother because she already raised 3 kids...now she has to start all over again?? when does hse get a break...its like she gets no time for herself.. my sisterwants to be like all the rest of the tweekers on the block and try to get her next sack.... and my other sister and niece are in a foster/placement home because of some stupid bullshit with her probation.... and her probation officer is a little bitch....Let me catch that brawd in traffic...:) sometimes I just like I wanna run away and start over fresh and new.....  Seattle, WA anyone???

        Well I think Im gonna call it a night....1:44 am.... im tired as hell and need a cigg before i sleep...nite nite...

I have seen you in the morning
your hair in diarray
sleepiness still in your eyes
you're not quite wide awake
even with that funny sleepy look
your beauty makes my heart ache

I've seen you dressed to bum around
or maybe work in the yard
seeing you look just everyday
it makes my heart beat hard

late one afternoon you were just repotting plants
the sun lit your hair to look like gold as it hung out of place
you squinted hard the setting sun was in your face
and flashed a smile that seemed just for me
and my heart began to race
I remember thinking at that moment
you never did anything
without beauty style and grace

I've seen you dressed
to go out on the town
seen you with your hair pulled up
and I've seen you let it down

with your hair pulled up
I think you look classic
like some soap opera star
when you let it down
you should be posed
laying 'cross the hood of a hot rod car

I remember a time you came to me
all wound up with stress
and had not slept a wink
and needed badly to take a rest
you layed across my couch
your head rested on my lap
I stroked your hair
with gentle care
as you drifted into a nap
I watched as stress
just left your face
with the sweetest peacefull beauty
your stress was soon replaced
I stroked your hair
as you slept there
and my heart was full of pride
that you felt safe to let stress go
with me close by your side

just a few of the memories I have of you
untill I can see you again
these memories will do
snap shot images in my mind
your beauty froze in time..........

Its come to my attention that someone from my past has found out about this blog, and has been here a few times. so incase she ever comes back.. this one is for her....lately I have been hoping our seperation was for the best...but yet, something still wont let me make the first step to get ahold of you...because for every good memory, there are three bad memories...Im still wondering if it worth another round. So.. until then...I leave you with one of our "good memories...
5-18-05

He is coming..............He is coming back.......... 3 days..... The Return of "The Mack".... Steve-O-Mack

Unexpected, Uninvited,
If art imitates life
In death; is there a portrait?

I can’t see the image
Staring back at me....

In just one year....
I’ve met these deaths
On many occasions still....

I can’t see the image....
Or understand the interpretation.....
But the one that sticks out....

My "boy"...Ramone.... just sixteen!...
Dies over the "Color"...
Over same "Blue Rag" that I once dawned!!!

Was there something more I could have done??
Something more I could have said??
Am I to Blame?? I dont know.....

If art imitates life.......
How in life can art.....
Portray death??....

I think in mourning
We must express
What we can never
Ever, ever, understand!

And the only thing missing…
Is the poet.....Ramone....

March 13th, 2005
9:37pm

Rest in peace to the friends I've lost over the past year.

Ramone Rosado DoD - June 3rd 2004
Justin Wells DoD - October 10th 2004
Shannon Paye DoD - January 25th 2005
Sam Xiethavong DoD - January 25th 2005

The hardest thing for me to do,
Is to love you like I do...
To always have you on my mind
Beautiful day-dreams that fill my time.
My heart still beats your name.
Years have passed, I feel the same.
My arms long to hold you true,
To feel that love my heart once knew.

The hardest thing for me to know,
Is deep inside you love me so.
Yet your heart is still tired and week,
Words of love not ready to speak.
Beauty of life has yet to find you,
To yourself you must be true.
Within your heart self worth is found,
Then you shall walk on true loves ground.

The hardest thing for me to do,
Is say good-bye and walk from you.
My love for you is strong as stone.
I wait for you to call me home.
I must step back and let you grow.
Though I long to hold you so.
I'll prove my love shall conquer time.
That keeps your precious heart from mine.

The hardest thing for me to do,
Is to love you like I do!.....

1-25-04

I would like to give a special thanks to a great friend of mine for making me such a cool header for my site.... Thank you Elaine. :)) .

I'll love you forever
just kiss me today
I'll be by you side
just show me the way.

I'll give you all of me
just hold my hand
I'll be here always
just by you I'll stand

I'll do what you wish
just tell me when
I'll try my best just for you
just as I can

Just tell me you want me here
be sure to make it clear
Just tell my everything
and I'll love you, my dear.....

Deep in the midst of Eden's splendor
Asleep in quiescence still and calm
Yet innocent still sweet and tender
Slept the maiden on a bed of palm

Resting in the shade of noon
Lulled into slumber by the song
That the garden fowl did croon
Dreaming dreams of neither right nor wrong

Free from the care of want or need
Lacking desire of passion or pride
Untarnished by a sinful deed
And without cause to steal or lie

Provided for with paradise
Supplied to her by the divine
Made in that image with skill precise
Given boundless things on which to dine

In that grove of bliss there yet did grow
A tree evil even to its roots
And unto him that would eat thereof woe
For each branch brought forth forbidden fruits

And banned were they its touch to feel
Neither could they its fruit consume
Else the knowledge of good and evil be revealed
And lead them utterly to doom

The wicked one in snakes scales guised
Then did so quietly draw near
Unto the sleeping maidens' side
And whispered softly in her ear

He tempted her with forked tongue
He beguiled her with impious lies
Yet on his every word she hung
His deceit too lovely to deny

When she had seen the fruit was good
She fled the sight of that old louse
Blind with new sight into the wood
In search of her beloved spouse
She found him bathing in the chasm
That flowed through that place end to end
Unable still was he to fathom
That thing which she brought to him

But he partook with willing heart
And his mind did come unfurled
And then straight-way from the start
His eyes were opened to the world

Preceding all else shame came first
And guilt did follow close
The antidote for an ignorant thirst
Would prove a fatal dose

Fear came next unto them both
Their nudity they did perceive
And they went out and made them clothes
From the nearest fig trees' leaves

They heard the voice of God amid
The coolness of the garden breeze
And they did run and both hid
Amongst the gardens' trees

And the Lord did beckon the man
And he came into his sight
He told the Lord that he had ran
Into the woods from fright

For of his nakedness he knew
And sore afraid was he
And God asked 'Who told this thing to you?'
'Hast thou eaten of the tree?'

And the man spoke of his wife
And she spoke of the snake
And retribution came into their life
For Gods' one decree they did brake

The serpent from thenceforth was cursed
For all his days to creep
And eat the dust of the earth
And on his belly sleep


Then the Great Creator said
Hostility should the snake and woman feel
And her seed shall bruise the serpents head
And he shall bruise their heel

And the woman's sorrow in conception
Was greatly multiplied
The punishment for her deception
And her liberty their died

Because the man did eat of the tree
The Lord did curse the ground
'Thorns and thistles shall it bring to thee'
'And in thy crops shall they abound'

And they were sent out of the garden
And gone was all their mirth
The man to till the ground now hardened
And the woman to give birth

Two Cherubim stood at the gate
And a sword of flame and wrath
That turned about every way
And blocked the gardens path

Well its almost that special time of the year... Im gonna be involved in some Fantasy FootBall League this year so, gonna try to juggle that and this for awhile and see how it pans out.. I got something I have been working on for my weekly post. .. Will try to get that posted sometime tonight... and I just wanted to say thank you to a few ppl who keep me inspired to keep writing. #1 God. Thank you for keeping me alive through all the stuff that goes on around here.. because without you., I would be dead by now. #2My Mother and Sisters and Nephew and Niece, because no matter what shit I go through. my family is always there. #3 Carmensia. Thank you for causing me so much pain. you have opened up a different side of me. which allows me to express my emotions in a different way besides picking up a gun or a knife and following the doomed path i was on. #4 All my loyal friends who keep me level headed. Stacey, Eric, Elaine, Ria, and Shonda. and those that i have forgotten it wasnt intentional. :)